I am going to digress on my story for a bit and write about two things that I feel made this whole experience even more difficult than normal for me. First, was the subconscious belief that the more children a mother had, the better of a mother she is. And second was my religious culture that created in me the belief that a woman's highest calling is motherhood. I know the second one in particular will cause people to raise their eyebrows, but I am going to honestly share my reasons here.
So, first, the subconscious belief that the more children a woman had, the better mother she is. I didn't realize for a very long time that I felt that way. My mother raised ten children. My grandmother had ten children. I always grew up thinking I would have ten children, and then thus be a good mom. I see other women around me and (without realizing it) was judging them on their capabilities of Motherhood by amount of kids that surrounded them. In my mind deep down, I assumed that the women with six kids were more righteous and more Christ-like than a woman with two kids. But then I had one child and that was hard. The second one came, and life was even harder. The third one came and I didn't know how I was going to survive. But, I still felt that I was failing. And, deep down, that was one of the reasons I wanted to adopt. If I couldn't have more kids, then surely the answer was to adopt. Because I wasn't going to be enough of a mother unless I raised ten kids. But, that wasn't what happened. I had to realize that I was only going to be a mother to three children, and I had to recognize then overcome the feeling that I would now never be enough of a mom.
That wasn't the most hurtful feelings though. In my religious culture, I was taught from the time I was a little girl that motherhood is the highest calling for a woman. I don't necessarily disagree with it; I do believe that Motherhood is the most selfless service a woman can give. But, if it's the greatest calling a woman can do, and I don't really enjoy it, does that make me a sinful or terrible woman? And, on top of that, if God doesn't trust me with more than three children, does that mean I'm not worthy enough? I actually got my answer by seeing some of our friends who are not able to have children at all. The husband and wife would make INCREDIBLE parents. I truly believe that God gave them that trial for other reasons -- not because they are not worthy of parenthood. So, the same had to apply to me, right? I'm not less valuable as a woman because I only have three kids. I can still do good in the world. God can still be happy with my contributions.
Actually, I'll tell you something honest about all those things; I still am trying to convince myself. It's hard. Really hard. There is one woman in the town where I live that I absolutely feel inferior to -- in every way. And if I listed out all of the reasons why I deep down feel that she is superior to me, one of the first ones is that she has more kids than me. If you feel the same way, I want to talk about some of the quotes about motherhood that are often shared in church that have a way of making many of us feel less valuable or even unworthy.
First of all, in the Relief Society declaration says that we will find "Nobility in Motherhood, and Joy in Womanhood." I actually silently giggle each time I say that. There are moment of joy in motherhood, but overall, it's a tough journey.
"Motherhood is more than bearing children. … It is the essence of who we are as women." -- Sheri Dew
Wait, so does that mean if we don't bear children, then we aren't true women? No! A resounding no! Motherhood is the essence of it -- a show of it -- but it is not the defining factor. God created woman in a special way -- with soft hearts and soft bodies, with tenderness and gentleness, and with compassion and love and open arms. Those are all used in motherhood, but motherhood isn't the only time in life when we use them.
“May I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you.” -- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
The thing that I needed to remember here is that this quote was given to encourage the women who are struggling with the tough job of managing little children; it was not given to discourage those without children. But, if you're like me, all I saw in this was that God didn't trust me enough to give me more responsibility. Please, remember that God loves you so deeply. He may already know that you are capable and that is why he is giving you the trial of longing for something so deeply. Only God knows his purposes in your life.
"During my professional career as a doctor of medicine, I was occasionally asked why I chose to do that difficult work. I responded with my opinion that the highest and noblest work in this life is that of a mother. Since that option was not available to me, I thought that caring for the sick might come close. I tried to care for my patients as compassionately and competently as mother cared for me." -Russel M. Nelson
What I read in this one is that God doesn't trust me much in the highest and noblest calling in this life. That seemed a pretty deep wound to inflict. Motherhood certainly requires a sacrifice higher than any other work in this world. It also has the power to influence other lives. But it is not a redeeming ordinance. Parenthood is not a requirement to get to heaven. Mother Teresa, for example, never bore children, but that did not keep her from doing good in the world.
So, whether you have no children or a few, whether your children have left home and you feel like your good work in the world is over, or even if you never married, please know that God sees you as an incredible woman with good work to do. He loves me and he loves you. We are not less in his eyes. We just have different work to do and different trials to learn. And that's ok.
So, first, the subconscious belief that the more children a woman had, the better mother she is. I didn't realize for a very long time that I felt that way. My mother raised ten children. My grandmother had ten children. I always grew up thinking I would have ten children, and then thus be a good mom. I see other women around me and (without realizing it) was judging them on their capabilities of Motherhood by amount of kids that surrounded them. In my mind deep down, I assumed that the women with six kids were more righteous and more Christ-like than a woman with two kids. But then I had one child and that was hard. The second one came, and life was even harder. The third one came and I didn't know how I was going to survive. But, I still felt that I was failing. And, deep down, that was one of the reasons I wanted to adopt. If I couldn't have more kids, then surely the answer was to adopt. Because I wasn't going to be enough of a mother unless I raised ten kids. But, that wasn't what happened. I had to realize that I was only going to be a mother to three children, and I had to recognize then overcome the feeling that I would now never be enough of a mom.
That wasn't the most hurtful feelings though. In my religious culture, I was taught from the time I was a little girl that motherhood is the highest calling for a woman. I don't necessarily disagree with it; I do believe that Motherhood is the most selfless service a woman can give. But, if it's the greatest calling a woman can do, and I don't really enjoy it, does that make me a sinful or terrible woman? And, on top of that, if God doesn't trust me with more than three children, does that mean I'm not worthy enough? I actually got my answer by seeing some of our friends who are not able to have children at all. The husband and wife would make INCREDIBLE parents. I truly believe that God gave them that trial for other reasons -- not because they are not worthy of parenthood. So, the same had to apply to me, right? I'm not less valuable as a woman because I only have three kids. I can still do good in the world. God can still be happy with my contributions.
Actually, I'll tell you something honest about all those things; I still am trying to convince myself. It's hard. Really hard. There is one woman in the town where I live that I absolutely feel inferior to -- in every way. And if I listed out all of the reasons why I deep down feel that she is superior to me, one of the first ones is that she has more kids than me. If you feel the same way, I want to talk about some of the quotes about motherhood that are often shared in church that have a way of making many of us feel less valuable or even unworthy.
First of all, in the Relief Society declaration says that we will find "Nobility in Motherhood, and Joy in Womanhood." I actually silently giggle each time I say that. There are moment of joy in motherhood, but overall, it's a tough journey.
"Motherhood is more than bearing children. … It is the essence of who we are as women." -- Sheri Dew
Wait, so does that mean if we don't bear children, then we aren't true women? No! A resounding no! Motherhood is the essence of it -- a show of it -- but it is not the defining factor. God created woman in a special way -- with soft hearts and soft bodies, with tenderness and gentleness, and with compassion and love and open arms. Those are all used in motherhood, but motherhood isn't the only time in life when we use them.
“May I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you.” -- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
The thing that I needed to remember here is that this quote was given to encourage the women who are struggling with the tough job of managing little children; it was not given to discourage those without children. But, if you're like me, all I saw in this was that God didn't trust me enough to give me more responsibility. Please, remember that God loves you so deeply. He may already know that you are capable and that is why he is giving you the trial of longing for something so deeply. Only God knows his purposes in your life.
"During my professional career as a doctor of medicine, I was occasionally asked why I chose to do that difficult work. I responded with my opinion that the highest and noblest work in this life is that of a mother. Since that option was not available to me, I thought that caring for the sick might come close. I tried to care for my patients as compassionately and competently as mother cared for me." -Russel M. Nelson
What I read in this one is that God doesn't trust me much in the highest and noblest calling in this life. That seemed a pretty deep wound to inflict. Motherhood certainly requires a sacrifice higher than any other work in this world. It also has the power to influence other lives. But it is not a redeeming ordinance. Parenthood is not a requirement to get to heaven. Mother Teresa, for example, never bore children, but that did not keep her from doing good in the world.
So, whether you have no children or a few, whether your children have left home and you feel like your good work in the world is over, or even if you never married, please know that God sees you as an incredible woman with good work to do. He loves me and he loves you. We are not less in his eyes. We just have different work to do and different trials to learn. And that's ok.
